Home (2009)

by Gavin Castleton

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1.
Bugguts 03:20
Right now I wish I was a cockroach so when they finally get in they wouldn't see me on the ground you know, they always stare up and to the right, but never look down I would just scurry scuttle by the wall, around their lazy feet and out the door and have the planet to myself again - find my inner peace with exoskeleton I feel so little on the inside but my skin is persistently life-size. I think my body wants to get us caught to match the outer with the inner rot It wants to stand forever in this non-life, always looking up and to the right at this landscape consisting only of swallowed flesh, unswallowed flesh, and happy bugs I have one flare left in the gun, I’ve got the wooden stool I'm sitting on, I have a ratty blanket and a bottle of whiskey and the only reason I'm still breathing's so intent on leaving me she walked into the Undead Sea all alone When she left I stood a monolith: slow breaths - the oxygen economist, but from my toes there sprang a mutiny recruiting every organ as it rose in me rising 'til the very last cell is caught from my Southest gut to my Northest thoughts This fit is tidal like the climax only her hands can give me and I can't stop it. I'm just air in the lung of a volcano - the pulse clear, the heart myopic Twenty years of ego regurgitating with pride as a fist around my throat puffs me out like the fish she loves, rattling my frame as I'm praying out her name, “Jenny, I want to love this low 'cause it shows me how high your high is but when you force me to see the whole amplitude of love like this I know it's too much for my tiny heart I wanna live to lick your skin again, but I can't taste that far Jenny, I want to love this low 'cause it shows me how high your high is but when you force me to see the whole amplitude of love like this you've seen all the bug guts I can show. This frequency of fits has cracked my walls so will I walk or will I crawl... and lick the bottom of it all?”
2.
Coffeelocks 04:10
She walked into the shop and the windows broke, the coffee crashing down as this angel spoke I might've survived if it weren't for her eyes that were eating mine up she wanted a job so I brought her the forms with my eyes held shut Was this love? I wondered cause I'd never been so absolutely Jello-ed by a girl Was this love? What other reason could there be when such a little thing could break a world? Was this love? I knew that if she didn't get this job then I would never know Was this love? so I told the boss that I would train her thoroughly from head to toe On that day in my heart a castle rose a mansion fell apart Love with us was such a waking up warm and foggy as a coffee mug a burning thing full of steam learning us savoring I walked into the shop expecting nothing but “no's” rubbed my bleary eyes last night still on my clothes Then I stopped in the door ‘cause I'd seen him before, my tongue suddenly thick but I needed a job so he brought me the forms like a conjuring trick Was this love? This déjà vu was turned into a pinball ringing in my tilted head Was this love? I couldn't understand how he had jumped offstage and landed here instead Was this love? so I case the place for inspiration on the walls and then my coffee cup Was this love? as I tried to think of clever things to say to make him look back up On that day in my head movies played of things he said, constantly rewinding, nothing there to remind me that I don't believe in love Love with us was such a waking up warm and foggy as a coffee mug strong at first best served fresh beautiful at its worst Yeah
3.
Warpaint 04:58
The first time we met outside of work, this can't be a date I dared you to get fat with me these kinds of things have no name When it was clear that we weren't gaining weight just hints of what could be we moved on to another game Watch there's no difference if I win or lose each piece I watch your face betraying every move while I it’s so impossible to concentrate.... catch your queen when every game ends with the stalest mate We built our love on a black and white chessboard and for six whole months stirred cocoa with tongue swords If you build your love on a black and white chessboard then there’s a very good chance that you’ll always be at war So from all these games on all these dates a Castleton extrapolates a tempo set - the speed of chess, and secrecy in every thing that we do And if it leads to war or falls to peace I don't think we should cut retreat This Sunday game of sparring hearts is waking up my sleeping parts If you build your love on a black and white chessboard then there's a very good chance that you'll always be at war Yes we built our love on a black and white chessboard as we stirred hot cocoa with six-month-long tongue swords Then one day I came to see him painting the walls when we ran out of things to say we grappled our way down the hall covered in war paint Our lips crushed like armies under the rule of two love-consumed enemies Our clothes fell like thrones to the coup of our shaking hands, the game was thrown when we moved out of battle stance. We fell to the floor in the throes of our war dance
4.
These toes are hungry like new baby birds uncurled to feed from my mothering lips These ankles scatter from teeth like a herd they need the friction of coarse fingertips and... I nurse these nervous legs, take pride in my work these thighs are twisting their escape from your slip I speak in tongues because I don't have the words I breathe religion on your shivery hips I will decide You will decide when you come in when I come in my trembling tide my second skin I will decide You will decide the fall and the rise of this wondrous sin Your eyes are fastened on me, Captain-like, and cruel my belly/eclipses them in waves of slow air try to hold you safe, like Lu in a pool locking my fingers in your octopus hair but you won't be stalled and you won't be fixed you're trolling your thumbs up past your ribs standing me up scolding their tack teasing along the sheer of my back and you're tossing me fore turning you aft a tongue to an ear a port to a raft a tempestuous pitch a pummeling pride the surge of your stitch your mastering guide You will decide I will decide when I come in when you come in my unsettled skin my second tide You will decide I will decide the fall and the rise of this wondrous sin obey the metronome of this breath and the meter of these teeth taste the salt in the sweat and the sugar on the sheets are keeping time with this breath and the meter of these teeth taste the salt in the sweat and the tempo that we keep the metronome...
5.
Stampete 05:11
Like a hormone hurricane we became a force, with the carnal carnage of our braided legs and our twisting hips, coursing through its course We staggered in at the staggered times but the scent was clear and your face was flush you let your fingers linger on my back whenever I passed near stealing looks through the lunch rush I tried to kiss you in the stock room but you brushed me off - so professional so professional you made me pounce when I got you alone back at my mother's house you got repaid in full Yes, I got paid in full! A year goes by, it's the summertime, and we're private beaching in the evening with the furry black kid and we've got some sneaky fingers and some twine-y toes and they are reaching out to form a giant squid On our knees in the surf, wrapped in sand, with the waves crashing, and we're laughing and laughing and laughing... On the boardwalk home I joked about it ending in marriage but you were like, "No, that could never happen, baby..." And as time goes by you start to entangle yourselves it feels safe to settle for the cards you were dealt the living braid of two hearts in the shade of youth why would you ever untether this parachute? Then at the summer's end I left home for school, Transalantic miles between me and you I crossed that ocean twice to claim what's mine but all I saw of Scotland was your bedroom view I remember tugging you 'round the swimming pool down in Florida when you came on tour Yeah, but wasn't it the night before that you made me sleep so apart from you on the hardwood floor? Years later, when you lived with me, it was hard, at first, to share a nest and make our spaces talk, but what we couldn't fix in our shared cocoon could be macheted on a jungle walk And as time goes by you start to entangle yourselves it feels safe to settle for the cards you were dealt the living braid of two hearts in the shade of youth why would you ever untether this parachute? And as time goes by you start to entangle yourselves it feels safe to settle for the cards you were dealt the living braid of two hearts in the shade of youth... let’s kick it Put your feet on my feet keep your eyes on my eyes cue the band chopping hands arms at ninety degrees march in place, soldier bear it's a curious dance in your serious pants with your unbending knees
6.
7.
There's something out there I heard a chewing sound The cattle are scared - they're stomping around This is the safest place to hide, just stay calm - we'll leave when all is clear I don't know why they're still outside This feels wrong - they know that we're still here They gather and swarm the barn where we hid As light hits the farm, the wall starts to give I know you don't believe in God, but I do, and he's not here with us Please don't leave me here to watch them take you I'll shoot you if I must They're coming They're coming
8.
Layers 02:59
You slam the door now they're coming towards us I try to point us to the road but it's just pointless I push the pedal to the floor, burning rubber through the cornfield In the rows are many many more Makin’ zombie yogurt with the windshield I'm so relieved when we finally make it to the trees crowned by the sun rising in the east, but you are just a blank, frozen in your seat, eyes of a lemur, ghostly as teeth I try to pull you close, tell you it's alright You slap my hand away, bracing for a fight We made it to the car, both without a bite, but you will never find the end of last night We drove beyond the towns we knew but never saw a soul I hope you're satisfied - you brought me back a stuffed penguin so I guess it's fine that I almost died You couldn't wait to try to save her while I played the bait you just snuck outside They couldn't hear your feet ‘cause she was screaming, she was meat before you stepped inside her house was beat - we knew that from the street but you just simply had to try You lost a friend but in the end, it was only me that cried you couldn't hear me maybe 'cause you were so deaf with pride You think "concern" is just another word for compromise Well the barn is dust so we have to drive Now I can't decide: I'm afraid to be alone and I’m afraid to be with you It's a sudden truth that I can't deny We parked nearby a grocery store as stark as one could be and dangling from the entrance door a severed arm inserts the key Can we stay here for the night? We'll just tuck the car out of sight I was wrong to leave you alone - I thought it was strength but I should've known
9.
I guess it couldn't last - this burrow that we keep, this haven from the feast We hear them in the day we see them in our sleep you said you wanna leave You want to see the world and figure out what's left I know what I saw I want to rest We got breakfast cereals galore but you say the milk's gone bad I'm thinking, "Is that a metaphor?" You say what at first felt safe, now feels trapped and making love in this place is just a tribute to the past but I have no complaints - I block out the screaming with the sound system found in the back I say the problem isn't us it's a world insisting on itself but you insist there's no health to be found just eating off the shelf You put your hand on my heart and push me back a little like you want to be apart or maybe want to make it start up again Baby, I know that I'm starting to act just like them... numb, spent I feel verbally inept I can't say the reassuring things that you need me to say so I just say, "It's killing us to fight this way," and you reply, "What killed us was a succession of ordinary days" And I resent the past tense I wanted to defend the thing but now we're hearing shots from the roof and here this clean army boy drops through the vent, calling you by name! If this is rescue, then why'd you look ashamed? There is no greater pain than the misaligned break - the varied healing tempos of the giver and the take and here I'd suffered at the thought of her on her own but all the while myLove had been servicing the telephone There is no greater pain than the misaligned break - the varied healing tempos of the giver and the take when you can't syncopate your process with the one who leaves, you focus less on your direction and more on your speed I see blood and gore and love turned war You want to see for yourself? Baby, what for? What for? He hands me a flare gun I promise to join them soon... There's shooting on the roof, a chopper taking off, the pungent smell of rot I look up in time to catch one fall into the shop - she didn't close the hatch! Gnashing in a pile then rising to its feet, I fire into its teeth This one is just a scout! In a few short breaths the ceiling's raining mouths
10.
Like the dream that used to scare me as a kid where my head is not in concert with my feet which are just sliding on the checkerboard beneath making bloody angels at a tugboat speed I see blue for a second just before the second wave falls through and it's the only sky I've seen since we made this barricade of dog food Then in a flesh flash flood it's covered up and it occurs to me that I’m about to get my check cashed 'cause there is a dead mass deposit of teeth I see one way out and one way in and I the spitting image of my father's sin The trouble with the first is that it's teeming with them, the second is a place that I have already been I see one way out and one way in and I the spitting image of my father's sin The trouble with the first is that it's teeming with them, the second is a place that I have already been so what should I do? Head for that blue? Well I guess I stopped screaming when my feet got a grip on the floor I threw a whole shelf of tuna at the three between me and the front door I saw red ribbonnettes blossom out from the head of the undead by the time I could blink I was blinded and before I could scrape off the violence I was kicking at the deafening silence, “Please!” There's just one way out and one way in and I the spitting image of my father's sin The trouble with the first is that it's teeming with them, the second is a place that I have already been There’s just one way out and one way in and I the spitting image of my father's sin The trouble with the first is that it's teeming with them, the second is a place that I have already been I see one way out and one way in and I the spitting image of my father's sin The trouble with the first is that it's crawling with them, the second is a place that I have already been so what should I do? The red or the blue? To help me decide... a gash in my thigh!
11.
Oregon... 03:58
How'd I get here? What is this - tattooed on my stiffening wrist? I taste sulfur smoking upwards whirling towards my loose teeth... I'm so tired... I can't sleep... Just outside they wait for me I can't fix these things - these empty dry legs I've stopped bleeding, there's only violence in me I have sisters safely in their homes far from this, thick with kids not nearly grown groaning forth from everyone outside: colorless hopelessness from blackened eyes I take with me the only thing I've learned: lovers leave, fighters lose, all things will burn burning fear - the poison in my bones paralyzed, horrified to be alone a lonely drain on everyone I know Oregon! Oregon, my home sweet -----
12.
Beetlemeet 02:20
Foolish Castleton, wake up! Try again! That was not a happy song! What about your Lu? What's a son to do? Who will love him if you're gone? If you're gone! If you're gone! If you're gone! If you're gone! Sing, sweet ladybugs, take these tiny hugs! You have saved me from hyperbole! MMMmmmm! I was sick with love - that's what hiding does! I deserve another fantasy for my health, and the art of my heart
13.
This is the sound of finding you after the night I've just been through and I didn't know my heart could work so soon This is the sound of finding you when it was all that I could do to keep me from slowly losing touch in that room This is the sound of finding you returned in the 'copter on the roof Your face is more grin than nose and chin like you saw a chimp tucked in a suit We're smelling our smells, now we're tasting our taste, and we're touching our touch conversing in guts and toes and such I was in a bad spot there for a few locked up in a room with a horrible view I thought that I was bit but now I don't think it's true It looks more like a cut, not so much of a chew I'm sure I'll be fine if I give it some time from the hullabaloo I was about to turn to something drastic then I found my backroom music With a gentle perfect sound track everything starts to make sense I soaked the quilt in alcohol, propped it on the stool against the wall, lit it with the final flare, and I left with it over my head I loved with abandon in every direction and hugged every last one with smoldering affection, then gathered a pile and climbed it in style to the roof, and you were there in your moccasin boots (and so was army dude) But as soon as we got high enough I ejected that fool with a shove! Now at last we're alone and we're cutting through the sky towards our home (it's an island home) It's a tree house somewhere, we're a jungle affair with a porcupine fence and we're so present tense and with long days and short nights, we laugh at the highlights and dance with the fireflies, stomping the sand, burritos in hand and we’re sure/shore as the tide at our feet.
14.
Credits 03:13
There was no helicopter, there was no great escape, there was no supermarket, no screaming car ride, no zombie chase You lied about the way this went You're stepping in your wet cement I had no other place to go - this remedy is all I know But have you grown? The truth of where I am is hard to take: I'm living in the house of my mistakes But have you ever made a place to truly call your own? Is this you/me holding on or letting go? There is no clear agenda, there is no safe retreat, there's just the lengthy process of filling in the you-shaped hole in me And if I'd known it would end up this way, I'd have got you hired anyway Home is not the place you dwell, Home is where you see yourself.

about

This is a narrative concept record about love, loss, ladybugs, and zombies.

credits

released April 7, 2009

Written, directed, edited and produced by Gavin Castleton.
Additional Production by Brian Cass.
Mixed by Rob Pemberton (with assistance from Brian Cass and Gavin Castleton) at Christian St. Catacombs.
Engineered by Rob Pemberton at Machines With Magnets, Zippah Studios, Christian St. Catacombs, The Monohasset Mill Boiler Room, and The Patton Manor.
Guitar engineered by Steve Geuting at The Chainsaw House.
Drum tech-ing by Mike Viele.
Notation assistance by Justin Abene.
Mastered by Mark Wilder at Battery Studios in NYC
Lyrics by Gavin Castleton with contributions from Jenny Lederer (on track 2,3 and 5) and Cyrus Leddy (on track 6).
Artwork by Justin Muir. Photography by Ryan Rogers.

Gavin Castleton - vocals, keyboards, sequencing, drum programming
Lauren Coleman - vocals
Brian Cass - additional sequencing, synthesis, and drum programming
Steve Geuting - electric and acoustic guitars
Scott Roddick - electric and acoustic bass
Rufus Brothers - drum set
Skrobot - drum set
Vinny Pagano - Latin percussion
Issa Coulibaly - African percussion
Jeremy Harman - cello
Russell Wilson - viola
Fung Chen Hwei - violin
Kate Heffernan - flute
Jason Ward - bari, tenor, and alto saxes
Catheryn Cummings - French horn
Brian Cass - news anchor
Ivone Rego - news anchor
John Laos - news anchor
Rob Pemberton - news anchor
Molly Lederer - news anchor
Walter Greatshell - news anchor

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Gavin Castleton Portland, Oregon

Gavin has released 9 solo albums and 8 EPs. Over the last two decades he has performed and recorded with acts like The Dear Hunter, Gruvis Malt, Ebu Gogo, Paranoid Social Club, Sage Francis, Club D’elf, Lex Land, Facing New York, and One Drop.

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