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Weak Intl. (2019)

by Gavin Castleton

What kind of stand-up is this? This junior dev is glitchin’ we don’t need to hear you listing every last code commit and just list your blockers, bitch ain’t javascripting shit. From where I sit I see you cruising Something Awful (maybe Reddit) Yeah right, I said it: the data comes out dirty you got hacks workin hacks, subverting the stack crack your whole code up like, “Hold up, we need to grow the team now” —yeah right… I don’t think dev is nearly green enough, somehow. Please bow, get plowed, stop coming at me #junkout ‘bout, “There’s too much space in your designs.” Space creates the perception of value, you dehydrated Jake Gyllenhaal! About face! Don’t bring this weakness to my cubical. I don’t come to your desk and tell you to make your shit less scalable… don’t take every pivot personal— Yeah yeah, you worked at Oracle… that shit was dress rehearsal! Everything you know about UX is a theory, now roll your yoga ball back to that weak-ass SQL query.
Gather ‘round marketing clowns, raise your kombucha to this doofus dropping a 5th white paper on the website like he’s ruthless! Featuring the most toothless headline since we plugged that Series D (can’t wait to get the traffic stats and see how sad the truth is). All three of you: stay useless! Embrace that “intern” status! Keep that social profile poppin’, keep those ghost-wrote blog posts dropping! Pop quiz, hot shots: how many actual leads read this corporate blog? Answer: Go make another pot of coffee, you hapless prawn! Oh shit you made a promo video from stock footage? #yawn When you gonna learn to use only approved branding? Let me be candid, yo: this slide deck looks like GeoCities—nice try, though (you might’ve buried the lead a bit on that journalism degree). I haven’t seen errors this egregious since the Wicked Bible! I haven’t seen a font this weak since Avatar! Sure, let’s try adding more fields to that form capture, watch that bounce rate sore! 99% of what you do is just a Workflow in Hubspot… the remaining 1% is your garden variety MarCom jargon crotch rot.
Your snack game is wack How’m I supposed to jack a whole backpack’s worth of Ritz crackers? You freckled clowns can’t keep bagels ‘round No fork to be found—this break room is a ghost town! Very least? I’mma need ya dose me nice, once or twice a week with your boy La Croix on ice. I’m talking cans—I won’t share a mug with these hams! I’m not a germaphobe but half these grunions got bunions so let’s get generous with the hand soap, Tina! I don’t mean to put you on the spot but… I mean… you could automate the shit out of your job—you know this! Feel the deep burn, Tina—your whole shit is machine-learnable! And even Google’s janitors get more from their managers… Even Twitter bots get the occasional Mott's. Cashews are not a legitimate delicacy! It’s 2019: diabetes is an actual thing. Proteins, calcium, fats: these are the nutrients I care about—lose the bottomless jelly beans and Sour Patch. Bring in the juice bar and the salad bar, set it up in the kitchen —I’m not trying to go full-toddler up in this corporate prison. Engage.
Ya’ll product meetings suck! You hacks leave me baffled, so slack jawed I wanna smack ya’ll with a laptop! I’m up on Tumblr while you corporate clowns bungle up priorities, preach on market fit without authority. “Your spreadsheet is boring, B” Keep that junior dev team quarantined! Feed em sprint points rather than a proper raise— kind of funny CS dummies go to code camp but can’t get Agile for the wage blaze. We can settle this like men in the ping pong den. Yeah, yeah “P-I-N-G” for serve—we both know how it’s gonna end: me: not a single sleeve rolled up and you? Disheveled, unkept, soaking through your Trunk Club. Go ahead and drop that topspin trash, B! They call me “Backboard” because nothing gets passed me. Now hobble back to your ergonomic ivory tower and let me jump on Slack to let the team know that you’re still wack, coward.
You don’t sound like a leader, you don’t know what you’re doing, so your team is confused, so your product is stupid. You keep talkin’ bout winning while the money is leaving. Management is so green that these fools just keep believing. You got no inner compass, you got no outer litmus, you can’t get user feedback cause you just lead the witness. And you don’t see the data, and you don’t hear the market, you’re just too much in love with the sound of your own barking. You leave early on Monday, on Tuesday you look sunburned, you’re off in Thailand with your family while we’re going under This bro is going skiing! This chump is going hunting! So everyone below you’s on that endless PTO. You got me pushing pixels and padding presentations, “blah blah A.I. Edge Computing” “blah blah innovation.” And everything you’ve done here has only been distraction: anything and everything to hide the fact that the tech. is. wack.


This one's for all my Agile Methodology heads out there.


released September 10, 2019

Songwriting, production, mix and artwork by Gavin Castleton.


all rights reserved



Gavin Castleton Portland, Oregon

Gavin has released 9 solo albums and 8 EPs. Over the last two decades he has performed and recorded with acts like The Dear Hunter, Gruvis Malt, Ebu Gogo, Paranoid Social Club, Sage Francis, Club D’elf, Lex Land, Facing New York, and One Drop.

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