Here You Go. (2020)

by Gavin Castleton

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Annie
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Annie Gavin went right in the feels with this one. Thanks for the wonderful music!!! Favorite track: Acceptance.
scopekingop
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scopekingop I feel ya here. This whole album really puts me in the feels. Thank you again for the great work. Favorite track: Compersion.
zank frappa
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zank frappa Another album of hits from the master. A raw and honest expression of heartbreak and finding meaning in the chaos of life. One of my favorite GC albums to date. As someone who has listened to GC’s music since his days in the future rock supergroup Gruvis Malt, I am very happy to see the hits show no sign of slowing down. Love this collection of sounds here. Favorite track: Modeling.
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1.
05:34
Lover are you nervous? A little bit uncertain? Is it problematic that I never really kick the habit? I’ve been hiding bottles doubling up my CBD Did you even notice that I never disagree anymore or is this Parr for the course? Why is it ok with you that I just keep myself numb? I don’t know how to keep my confidence up when I’m so under your thumb I don’t feel special or chosen or seen as someone with something useful to say sometimes I think you’re with me just because I’m the only one who’s scared enough to stay I never know what’s worse, what will incur less pain: to be seen in full or just remain invisible to you So I tread water when I’m with you I exhaust myself just trying to hold that pose If you love me like, really love me you will try to grow yourself or let me go I know you think I’m just a coward cause I don’t say this to your face but when I try talk about your power you just dominate the conversation And you’ve got some grand delusion that you’re teaching me something new how to be smart and rational, less insecure, how to be so much more like you Well love is not a leading pass and you are not a quarterback, you’re a proud, and inconvincible Hallelujah, something that I can teach you: Behold, your plus-sized blindspot, brother Empathy’s not knowing how the other feels, it’s knowing that you are NOT the other, my broken lover But until you learn that I’ll just tread water when I’m with you I exhaust myself just trying to hold that pose if you love me like really love me you will try to grow yourself or let me go. I’m so tired of being seasick and riding out your storm how long before I see some kind of shore? Every time I try to stretch my toes to reach the ocean floor I sink a little deeper than before.
2.
04:32
You came home from the neighbor’s house tongue too thick to fit in your mouth slurring your speech, blurring your story drunk on a Thursday evening and I didn’t wanna call you out I didn’t wanna cancel the long night of candles and plowing we’d planned for it’s cowardly how I can’t stand up and tell you I’m worried about you And when I find bottles in your sock drawer or underneath the bathroom sink, is that just how you avoid my tyranny? Or a place for things you never wanna see? And when we go out with friends and you end up angry, confused, and puking is that just a normal night’s trajectory to you or are you trying to douse some burning truth? When are you gonna fix it? When are you gonna do the work you know you need? Are you building up the courage to face it or just building the courage to leave? Please don’t make me any more promises, baby Please don’t tell me how you’re gonna change Please don’t curl up in a ball of pity and put me in the role of soother— it’s a dirty trick to play on someone who can’t stand feeling useless. Don’t you know I’m on your team, baby? Don’t you know I wanna see you happy? And don’t you think it’s time to get some help, maybe? Don’t you ever wanna be yourself again? Why is my experience dismissible? Haven’t I been such a present listener? Don’t you think it’s gonna get to Bloomy and don’t you think she needs to see you happy again? So when are you gonna fix it? When are you gonna do the work you know you need to do? Are you building up the courage to face it or just building the courage to leave? When are you gonna fix it? Yeah, when are you gonna do the work you know you need to do? Are you building up the courage to face it or just building the courage to leave?
3.
04:01
I don’t recognize myself today I’m short of breath and snotty faced crying in my car alone stressed out when you’re on your phone in our bedroom And we’ve been struggling for a while but holding steady for the child drowning dread with food and drink and sex when we don’t wanna think about it Now it’s untenable there’s talk of moving out it’s not quite clear how we got here Maybe it did us in I know it put you out but working on this house has taught me If your walls aren’t plum and your ridge beam sags and your foundation sinks on both sides you’ll do twice the work tryin to compensate and it may never look quite right I’m sorry for the way that we started I took advantage of your broken heart and fandom, so young and so handsome a flower I was older but still so unworthy of my power over you Years later when we reunited It seemed a fresh new start for us but I was blind to the shaky ground you felt much too blind to see the damage I’d dealt to that trusting to that wandering to that beautiful you Now I’m learning I can’t just hit “reset” on someone I oppressed I can’t ignore every ghost some things you don’t forgive some things you can’t forget sometimes you have to ask the question If your soil is sour and your level’s broke so your foundation sinks in the ground can you learn to live on the tilted earth or is it time to tear it all down?
4.
03:50
I left my keys in the door like a hundred times before but nobody laughed or scolded me ‘cause someone lost his family and the holes and the stains where your pictures used to hang, cast a brutal constellation on the walls And it’s so quiet in here I haven’t heard this in years it’s a blank(er) kind of space when I pick my own paint just five forks in the drawer got the old plates out of storage and I laid these brand new floors even though I can’t afford them I can pick up and go drive across the country slow you keep saying how your friends are so “supportive” And it’s cold but I leave windows open so’s to sweep out the smell of our broken love the dog keep an orbit and the plants lean ever towards me saying, “Don’t forget us” begging, “Don’t forget us” “We hope you won’t forget us when you’re gone” Each new day is a bit of unburdening myself saying, “This is not my problem anymore” and I don’t run ‘round the house turning off the bedroom lights and I never have to close the bathroom door It’s a freedom that stings I don’t need all these things I just wanna be clean in my head So I write these new songs that you’ll never want to hear even though they’re what you asked for well no—everything you feared And the love in these words may seem new or poorly timed if you only measure love by the holes it leaves behind Now I’m urgent about every tender moment I record them for later when I’m hopeless I try to give you some final kind of pleasure like my trash could be someone else’s treasure ‘Cause this may be the last Wiggly Mountain and this may be the last piano lesson and this may be the last time you call me “baby” as we sunset the language of our family this process fills my heart and breaks it at the same time So don’t forget me Baby, don’t forget me Please don’t forget us when you’re gone
5.
05:03
I don’t think you really want to see me vulnerable Yeah, you just want to see me weak When you ask me how I’m doing, is that compassion? Or do you want a front row seat? ‘Cause one’s about love, and one is about your power Am I prostrated enough? Like a proper coward? Will you just take me back in the final hour or just set me free? Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do with it?) Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do with it?) Are you proud of me for making new friends losing that weight leaving that nest shedding that skin… Do you want to see me happy in love? Or would you rather keep my hands in the air empty and open stagnant and hoping to catch you when you fall down in love— when that clown trips up? Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do with it?) Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do with it?) Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do with it?) Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do with it?) Oooooh Do you know what you want now, baby? Oooooh Do you even know what you want? Oooooh Do you know what you want now, baby? Oooooh Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do…) Do you know what you want now, baby? (What’s love got to do…) Am I broken enough? (What’s love got to do…) Do you know what you want now, baby? (What’s love got to do…) Do you even know what you want? Oooooh Do you know what you want now, baby? Oooooh Do you even know what you want? Oooooh Do you know what you want now, baby? Oooooh Do you even know what you want?
6.
04:11
You don’t want to sneak into her phone when she’s in the bathroom and you don’t wanna see those texts sent to that ex-boyfriend (Oh, the fucking irony) You’re gonna throw up in your mouth if you gotta act like nothing happened Now stand up, you’re gonna lose your shit if you sit in this moment You know why? 'Cause that’s just pride in your throat Yeah that’s not love in your gut That’s just your ego You should’ve left this alone, no no You feel played ‘cause a minute ago she had her tongue in your ear but she’s been making plans with him to have “the best *** in ten years” You get split by the dissonance: she just said she loves you but she told him the same And now you gotta learn to hold both of these truths in your runaway brain That’s just pride in your throat Yeah, that’s not love in your gut That’s just your ego, ego You’ve gotta let this one go Yeah, the broken heart is a sponge It doesn’t know what it wants It just needs an ego, ego It just wants to feel hope, feel hope The cut is deep because it contradicts the story that you told yourself: here you thought she left you in a leap of faith not the safe and native arms of someone else And you’ll never know how long that this shit was going on maybe you were just an in-between These are just some of the blessings that come from disrespecting lover’s privacy You start to feel as if she’s not grieving with you—she’s just consoling you and despite her best intention, she only makes you feel less connected But don’t close up Don’t distrust Don’t try to force it or control it Gotta sit with the ugly Sit with not knowing Sit with the rejection Anger helps you leave but it’s not real growth It’s just pride making you choke Yeah, that’s not love twisting your gut That’s just your ego, ego You’ve got to let this one go Love is not a racing pulse Yeah that’s just shame or lust That’s just your ego, ego Yeah, love is when you let this girl go The broken heart is a sponge It doesn’t know what it wants It just needs an ego, ego It just wants to feel whole again
7.
04:11
You’ve been asking these indirect questions like sonar to suss out the new shape of your family And I think you just wanna know if I’m still your parent ‘cause we don’t seem any different but we told you it was over It’s so hard to provide that shade of omniscience while helping you see that adulthood’s unscripted we’re just trying our hardest to learn our way through this and earn your forgiveness I don’t love you any less than I did when I first tucked you in and no matter what shape your new family takes, you’ll still be my kid Dear Bloomer: When you fall in love, ask yourself this question: “Is this really what I need or is it just the only love my parents modeled for me?” Because you don’t have to love how your parents loved you can customize it any way you want to—just try to love intentionally! I’ve been running through the gamut of my feelings: from lonely to hopeful, from bitter to sorry and sometimes I panic right after I’ve seen you and carried you out to your car, like a monkey Gotta hold it together ’til I get back inside let the twins, grief and love, storm my lungs and subside there’s just something ‘bout fathers and how they always leave… I get sick when I think you might see me that way I went cold when my father moved so far away and he couldn’t say I don’t love you any less than I did the first time I tucked you in and no matter what shape your new family takes you’re still my kid Dear Bloomer: When you fall in love, ask yourself this question: “Is this really what I want or is it just the only love my parents modeled for me?” Because you don’t have to love how your parents loved you can optimize it anyway you want to, to love effectively Dear Bloomer When you fall in love, ask yourself this question: “Is this really what I want or is it just the only love my parents modeled for me?” Because you don’t have to love how your parents loved you can optimize it any way you want to, to love effectively Dear Bloomer…
8.
04:25
The first time I fell in love I was 28 and we were breaking up I was terrified and swearing I could change but for her it was just too late The second time I fell in love I didn’t stray I did so many things to hold her up and I watched her spin her tires day after day and I got tired of waiting for her nerves to change You might’ve figured out what thrills and fulfills you And she might have seen the worst of you and stayed And maybe it’s amazing that you barely ever fight None of that matters No, none of it matters No, nothing else matters if your timing’s not right The third (fourth, maybe fifth) time I fell in love I was so cautious, skeptical, tentative I didn’t think those girls were strong enough and I needed to be pulled by someone else because I wasn’t ready yet to push myself The last time I fell in love I went all in; I didn’t flinch; I opened up but we couldn’t meet each others’ expectations ‘cause we’d yet to unlearn the language of our parents And she might be ready now to bear your children And you might have broke your back to build a home Now she might be just the greatest mom you’ve ever seen And you might have lost your fear of being alone She might be so emotionally intelligent You might’ve grown so wondrously kind You both may finally know just how to soften (This might be the best sex of your life) And maybe you both have consummately, whole-soulfully, really fucking tried but nothing else matters yeah, nothing’s more painful nothing hurts worse than when your timing’s not right
9.
03:51
Chin up, Boss Someone’s gonna come along and love you big You still got it, Hoss It’s not time to run and get that wig You’re not a silverback yet You’re still a virile ape You got the best digestion You got the right escape (for you) Stay pro, Son No one ever won the game quite like this And don’t stress, Hon You don’t wanna be the one to break that wrist You’re not a rat in a maze You’ve got the end in sight You’re not a dove in a cage More like a chicken in flight SO FLY!! Yeah ok, so you maybe see a pattern Yeah ok, so you always feel alone Don’t let your track record serve as distraction Don’t let reality muddy up the dome ‘Cause you’re perfect! You’re the best I’ve ever seen! You’re perfect! You’re the dreamer and the dream! You’re a special kind of hell! You’re a hero to yourself, boy, You’re perfect for someone else Baby, baby, baby You’re that top shelf shit Maybe, maybe, maybe There’s a future in those hips Don’t even stress about the school You got that real-world cred You’ve got them compact tools You stay ahead of your debts (so blessed) Don’t. waste. your. time. on a stunt double Don’t change your mind when the lead dies or the bubble pops You’re not a cat with a chipped tooth You got the mouse in your mouth You’re not a Crow in a phone booth You’re on your way down south You raise the cub with no wolf pack You throw that dyed pelt back and aim your nose at the blood moon: Awoooooooooooooooow! Yeah, so maybe there’s a blindspot! Yeah, so maybe there’s a dent! You know you can’t afford the nose job You gotta focus on the rent You’re gonna find the perfect mantra You’re gonna paint it on your skin You’re gonna be just fine, just fine, just fine, justfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfinejustfine. You’re perfect! You’re the best I’ve ever seen! You’re perfect You’re the coffee and the cream! You’re the pinnacle of health! You’re a victim of yourself, girl You’re perfect for someone else.

about

credits

released April 23, 2020

Casey Crescenzo played acoustic and electric guitars on Adaptation, Modeling, Acceptance and Team Amnesia (bonus track).
Kyleen King played viola and violin on Adaptation, Dipping and Compersion.
Matt Rubano played bass on Adaptation.
Rich Bozek played drums on Adaptation.
David Stem played electric guitar on Courage.
Brandon Clemmens played acoustic guitar on Courage.
Doug Showalter played electric guitars on Privacy.
Reed Wallsmith played alto and tenor saxes on Timing.
Bad Snacks provided auxilary production vibes on Team Amensia
Bark censor by Salva on Privacy.

Everything else by Gavin Castleton.
Album art by Tyler Finck (tylerfinck.com)
Mastered by Gus Elg and Sky Onion Mastering in Portland, OR

In addition to the wonderful friends/musicians who played on this record, thank you to my family for supporting me through my process and those close friends who gave me honest, critical feedback.

Thank you especially to Alexis, who graciously allowed me to make my grieving process (and our struggles) public despite the discomfort it surely causes.

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Gavin Castleton Portland, Oregon

Gavin has released 9 solo albums and 8 EPs. Over the last two decades he has performed and recorded with acts like The Dear Hunter, Gruvis Malt, Ebu Gogo, Paranoid Social Club, Sage Francis, Club D’elf, Lex Land, Facing New York, and One Drop.

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